


You Are My Sunshine

by MessintoMessages



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Childhood Friends, Hurt, M/M, also despite what the summary says jaehyun isn't ACTUALLY cursed sorry, im sorry this is sad rip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 19:41:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20606243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MessintoMessages/pseuds/MessintoMessages
Summary: For some people, it’s within a breath of fresh air or the first sip of their morning coffee. The laughter of their grandchildren or the freckles dotting their lover's face. The things that keep us going take shape differently for everyone, and sometimes, for some people, they come shaped not in a gift but a curse. Or at least they start that way.





	You Are My Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> It’s officially been a whole year since I’ve uploaded my very first work on ao3, this being my 10th fic actually! And so, I just wanted to revisit the first pairing I ever wrote for! 
> 
> I feel like I’ve come so far in my writing within the past year, and even though I still have insecurities about writing it's become one of my favorite hobbies. 
> 
> This is also a big thank you to everyone who has ever been involved in my fics and/or helped inspire me to write. I love you guys. 
> 
> Also, I’m sorry I wrote something sad again ahh.

1.

Kim Jungwoo had been nothing short of a nuisance since the day he moseyed into Jaehyun’s life. It was as if he was put on the earth to annoy Jaehyun to the point of hysteria from the very day they had met.

The first time he saw Jungwoo he had been hidden behind his mother, Jaehyun assumed the kid was shy. He had brought over brownies for the new neighbors and turned out they had a child his age. The very next day Jaehyun found him sat on his front porch, clearly too nervous to knock on the door.

“Wanna ride bikes with me?” a seven-year-old Jungwoo had asked, words shaky, unsure.

Jaehyun simply shrugged. “I was gonna do that anyway.”

The dismissive comment somehow seemed to please Jungwoo to the point of high-pitched squealing as he ran down the steps to his bike.

After that day Jungwoo had no problem knocking at their door. Frankly, in Jaehyun’s humble opinion he did it a little too often.

“Don’t you have other friends?” Jaehyun was tired that day, he had just gotten home from soccer practice and all he wanted to do was sit in front of the TV before he had to do his homework.

“No.” Jungwoo simply smiled, not moving an inch.

Jaehyun had really wanted to slam the door right in his face. For two weeks straight Jungwoo had shown up at his door as soon as he saw his mom’s car pull in the driveway.

Instead, Jaehyun sighed opening the door just wide enough to let Jungwoo squeeze though. Jaehyun knew he would be instantly grounded if he was blatantly rude to Jungwoo, unfortunately.

“Teen Titians is on, so you’re not allowed to talk. I’ll make my mom send you home if you do,” Jaehyun threatened.

Yet Jungwoo still had the brightest smile on his face. “Okay! I love that show!”

And of course, Jungwoo talked throughout the entire episode.

Annoying.

2.

Freshmen year of high school Jaehyun got his very first girlfriend. Which was extremely exciting except for the fact that his best friend like to invite himself into every aspect of Jaehyun’s life.

Ever since the day that Jungwoo moved in next door they had been practically inseparable, of course not by Jaehyun’s choice. Jungwoo was like glue, and Jaehyun just happened to be the person who Jungwoo wanted to stick himself to. Every sport Jaehyun played, so did Jungwoo. Every new friend he made, now was Jungwoo’s new friend too. He hardly ever left the house without Jungwoo in tow.

To Jaehyun, High school was supposed to be a place where he would get the opportunity to breathe, to be his own person slightly separate from Jungwoo. For  _ both  _ of them to gain some individuality. And yet Jungwoo even found a way to weasel himself into Jaehyun’s very first relationship.

“Isn’t that Jungwoo?”

Jaehyun was quick to spin around in the small booth that he and his date were sharing. And she was right, it was Jungwoo. He really showed up when Jaehyun was on a date. He felt like digging his own grave.

He sighed. “Yeah, it is. Unfortunately.”

The girl awkwardly chuckled. “Does he not understand personal boundaries?”

“No. No, he doesn’t.”

The worst part of all was that Jaehyun’s date seemingly felt the need to start rumors after that.

It wasn’t like the rumors weren’t already there. Jungwoo had always been touchy, especially with Jaehyun. The problem was he was way too touchy. Something that when they were younger was just another thing that came along with being Jungwoo’s friend. But now they were in high school, and being in high school meant nasty rumors were commonplace.

It started with the guy who sat next to him in world history. “So, you and Jungwoo?” His eyebrows raised suggestively.

Jaehyun furrowed his brow. “What about me and Jungwoo?” he snapped back.

“You guys are like…” Again with the eyebrows.

Jaehyun felt his blood boil. “Jungwoo is just my friend.”

“Yeah okay, dude,” he said holding up his hands in mock defense. “Whatever you say.”

All of a sudden it became more than just the guy from his history class who had questions. And with more questions came more people whispering behind Jaehyun’s back. 

“People are saying weird things about us, have you heard?” Jaehyun asked one warm fall afternoon. They were sprawled out on the ground of Jaehyun’s backyard ignoring his mom’s orders to rake the leaves.

“Yeah I’ve heard,” Jungwoo said, a smile still ghosting over his lips.

“Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Not really.” Jungwoo rolled over until he was completely squishing the air out of Jaehyun’s lungs. “It’s true that I like you, I know that. Everything else doesn’t matter, right? What other people say about us. We know the truth, why would it matter what anyone else thinks?”

Jaehyun was quick to shove Jungwoo off before he passed out from lack of air, and yet Jungwoo still managed to find a way to attached himself right back.

“Don’t you have like, other interests? Like besides mine, or like… me.” It had been a question that Jaehyun had on his mind for quite some time but never had the courage to bring it up.

Jungwoo thought for a moment, humming. “I guess. I just always thought that doing things with you would be more fun.”

Jaehyun stood up to finally go find the rake. “Maybe you should start doing more things on your own Jungwoo.”

3.

The day Jaehyun left for college he was certain he had never seen anyone cry as much as Jungwoo had.

It was embarrassing, not even his own mother was tearing up, but now his new roommate was privy to his overbearing best friend. It wasn’t like he was that far from home. The university was two hours away!

As much as Jaehyun had tried to push Jungwoo to explore his own hobbies, alone, they still ended up spending most of their time together. Jungwoo still made the soccer team with Jaehyun, but at least he also had found a love for singing and joined the school’s glee club. Which for how embarrassing that is, they were actually really good. Jaehyun would know, he was dragged to every one of their performances.

So, this would be the first time in a decade that they would be apart longer than a few days, and Jungwoo was taking it hard.

“You have a car Jungwoo, you know how to get here. You’ll be fine,” Jaehyun said chucking a tissue box he had just unpacked at his blubbering friend. But of course, that did very little to console him.

Next thing he knew Jungwoo’s tears were wetting his shirt.

If Jaehyun was being completely honest, he was excited to take a step back from his relationship with Jungwoo. For the last ten years his life had included Jungwoo and he was interested to see who he was as a person separate from his best friend.

But unfortunately, that would be a bit trickier than Jaehyun had hopped.

Jungwoo had managed to find some way to come up and see Jaehyun almost every week. Yes, it was significantly less time than they had spent together in the past, but it still felt like Jungwoo was a constant.

“Are you going to come home for fall break?”

“No.”

They were sat at one of the campus cafés. Two coffees sat between them.

“So, you won’t come home until Thanksgiving?” Jungwoo further pressed, resting his lips on the cup held between his hands.

Jaehyun sighed, he was exhausted. “I don’t know Jungwoo, probably.”

A silence.

“My mom said I can’t keep coming up here every weekend.”

Jaehyun barely had the energy to ask, he knew Jungwoo would elaborate anyway.

“I’m about to fail one of my classes, which means I would be off the soccer team. I’ve already quit singing.”

That piqued Jaehyun’s interest, and something akin to panic bubbled in his chest. “What? Failing a class hardly seems like you. And you quit the glee club?! Plus, you love soccer, even more than I did. You can’t get cut from the team it’s your last season.”

Jungwoo hadn’t looked up from the coffee now placed on the table. “I do. I do love soccer so much, and singing. But nothing is the same without you,” he whispered.

Jaehyun could hardly hold back another sigh. “This is why I wanted you to go out on your own more often. Make your own friends, find your own hobbies, so something like this didn’t have to happen.” He paused, a heavy few seconds held in silence. “Maybe it’s best if you didn’t visit for a while.” 

Jaehyun half expected Jungwoo to lift his head and there be a smile painted across his face like usual. Suggest how they should facetime every day until the semester ended, or something along those lines. And Jaehyun would agree because he always did.

But Jungwoo didn’t lift his head.

And a part of Jaehyun was relived.

4.

Jungwoo really did stop visiting after that. Jaehyun spent the rest of his freshman year only seeing him a handful of times. It was… empty.

But as soon as they were reunited, it was as though nothing had changed. Except for the fact that Jungwoo acted as though he hadn’t seen Jaehyun in years, thus just ramping up the affection.

Apparently Jungwoo had thrown himself into school and soccer and also joined the student newspaper, thus leading him to land a spot at the very college that Jaehyun was attending. While it didn’t surprise him that Jungwoo was yet again following him to the ends of the earth, it didn’t mean he wasn’t suffocating.

Jungwoo had his arm slug around Jaehyun’s shoulders as they walked back from dinner one day early in the semester. He was practically hugging him as they walked. Jaehyun sighed, trying to tell himself that Jungwoo was just excited about going to the same school again, living so close to one another again.

Jaehyun felt himself be pulled back slightly as Jungwoo slowed, eye caught on a poster.

Auditions for an acapella group.

“You should sign up,” Jaehyun said, reaching over to snap a picture of the poster. “I bet you’ll get in, easy.”

Jungwoo didn’t say anything, instead pulling Jaehyun forward, walking away.

“Well, I sent you the picture I took of it anyway.” Jaehyun shrugged, they were so close he felt the buzz of Jungwoo’s phone through his pocket.

“I couldn’t juggle all of that in high school, there’s no way I’ll be able to handle it in college.”

Jaehyun sighed, pulling away from Jungwoo. “Maybe if you didn’t invest so much time into me you could be doing more things you want to?”

It wasn’t the first time they were having this kind of conversation, but it was the first time Jaehyun has phrased it like that. He tried his best to put it lightly.

Jungwoo looked hurt regardless. “But spending time with you is what I want to do most of all.”

Jungwoo was giving up on things he was genuinely interested in, and talented at, because of him. Jaehyun didn’t like the feeling that gave him. He had known for a while that was happening, but seeing it happen right in front of him like that was new.

The excitement that flittered across Jungwoo’s face upon seeing the poster, only to be quickly replaced by a look that bordered disappointment, and then to be  _ told _ that he was the reason for Jungwoo to decide against it. It was too much. This was getting too out of hand.

The affection, the constant proximity to Jungwoo, that he could handle. But for Jungwoo to sacrifice things for him left an awful feeling in Jaehyun’s chest.

This realization shifted something in their relationship as Jungwoo seemed to catch on that something wasn’t right. It wasn’t big, but it was enough to put them both on edge.

Jaehyun didn’t like the stress it gave him so he found himself going out more and more. 

“Look it’s your other half,” the girl handing him a drink said, gesturing behind him.

Jaehyun didn’t even have to turn around to know who had just walked in. As if on que he felt hands wrapping around his waist.

“Jaehyunie!”

“I thought you were staying in tonight?” Jaehyun said through gritted teeth, irritation flooding his body. Going out meant escaping Jungwoo and everything Jungwoo related. But there really was no reason for him to be  _ this  _ worked up, but he was. As soon as Jungwoo walked into that party, it felt like everything that had been weighing on him came crashing down. 

“Some of the soccer guys invited me after practice. I promise I wasn’t following you! I didn’t even know you were here, really,” Jungwoo said pulling away, sensing Jaehyun’s tenseness. “They’re right over there, see?”

Jungwoo pointed over to a small group of semi-familiar guys, but Jaehyun was too tired to care whether or not Jungwoo was being honest.

“Can we talk for a second, outside?”

Jaehyun didn’t wait for Jungwoo to follow. And as soon as the cool fall air hit him the words were falling out.

“I’m so happy that you’re doing your journalism thing, and that you’ve got a spot on the soccer team. I’m so glad you are figuring yourself out and finding your own passions in life. But Jungwoo, we aren’t kids anymore. I’m not going to continue to let you follow me around like a lost puppy. I have my own life now, separate from you and I like it that way.”

Jaehyun didn’t mean to come off harsh, and honestly even as the words left his mouth, he thought they sounded reasonable. But the look on Jungwoo face told another story.

Jungwoo stood there for a while, unmoving. But just as Jaehyun was about to walk away he spoke up.

“I… I know that I have always been annoying, or over the top. It’s just who I am. I rely on people expressing their boundaries with me, letting me know when something makes them uncomfortable or when I need to take a step back. But you never let me know Jaehyun.” Jungwoo finally brought his eyes up from the ground. “I guess it was wrong of me to assume all these years.”

Jaehyun watched Jungwoo’s back as he walked away from him for the very first time.

5.

It had been almost three months since Jaehyun had last heard from Jungwoo. Fall had come and gone, with winter now barring its teeth. He had spent the entire winter break cooped up in the house, too afraid to step outside and run into Jungwoo.

He felt guilty.

He didn’t necessarily regret telling Jungwoo to back off, but Jungwoo was right. Jaehyun could have had that conversation with him at any time, instead, he let his feelings bottle up for years. Not only could he have saved Jungwoo from his outburst, but he could have saved himself from years of frustration.

Every time Jaehyun had been open with him, Jungwoo had listened. But every time Jaehyun could have still approached things very differently.

There was one week left in the break before he went from avoiding Jungwoo in the neighborhood to avoiding him on campus.

Jaehyun sipped at his coffee, it was hot enough to feel the burn on his tongue and yet he couldn’t shake the cold. Jaehyun sighed pulling the blanket draped around him closer to his chest searching for warmth. Something he truly hadn’t felt in months.

Jaehyun never liked the notion of living for someone else. That every breath you took was for someone. The very thing that kept you going was the existence of another person. It seemed like a pathetic way of living. You should live for yourself, and no one else. He couldn’t fathom letting his life rest in the hands of someone else. The idea itself made him feel on edge, vulnerable.

Maybe it was the reason Jungwoo got on his nerves. Everything he ever did was for Jaehyun. For over a decade Jungwoo followed him around like a shadow, unwavering even in times they spent apart. Vicious dedication, tireless loyalty.

But at the end of the day, Jaehyun had just seen him as a nuisance. The person who was most precious to Jungwoo had pushed him away.

Jaehyun made his way over to the living room, abandoning the coffee but keeping the blanket tight around his shoulders. He pulled out an old book of the shelf, opening it up to reveal pictures of when he was young. Jungwoo managed to be found in almost every shot, spare from a few family events and baby photos. As he flipped through the pages, he watched himself grow up, Jungwoo always at his side.

He knew this is what he would find if he chose to pull out that scrapbook, and yet it was like he was looking at it for the very first time.

A muffled laugh coming from outside pulled Jaehyun’s eyes away from the book and over to the window. It had started snowing.

He knew who’s laugh that belonged to, and yet his feet brought him to the door. He barely had a coat on as he stepped outside. The faint laugh drew him forward, becoming louder with every step.

And then he saw him.

There were so many words weighing on his tongue, wanting to come out. But he didn’t dare to disrupt the scene that was taking place in front of him.

Jungwoo had is back to him, arms outspread towards the sky. He was just as underdressed at Jaehyun, but for a different reason. He was happy, if only for a moment. A moment which quickly came to an end as soon as he turned around.

There was something that Jaehyun knew all along but was too wrapped up in his own frustrations to notice. He needed Jungwoo just as badly as Jungwoo needed him. He had never even once let Jungwoo know that.

Maybe Jungwoo irritated him because he relied on someone else so heavily for his happiness, but maybe what frustrated Jaehyun the most was that he did the very same. He had treated Jungwoo the way he did because he viewed his actions as a result of weakness, a weakness that he himself held.

As he stood there facing Jungwoo for the first time in months he knew he would never be the person who would deserve someone like Jungwoo. He would never be the person that Jungwoo deserved.

The warmth was like a slap in the face as Jungwoo embraced him, the biggest wake up call of them all. He hadn’t said a single word, the last ones still being what he had said at the party months ago. And yet he still held Jungwoo in his arms regardless.

“Jungwoo… I owe you an apology.” Jaehyun’s breath spread out into clouds around them as he spoke. “More than one actually.”

Jungwoo said nothing, instead, he burrowed his head further in the crook of Jaehyun’s neck.

Jaehyun didn’t know where to start. The words that his brain supplied had run out, and the silence that the newly fallen snow brought was deafening. 

Words weren’t going to be enough he decided.

“Come inside with me?”

Jungwoo didn’t move for a moment, still holding onto Jaehyun as if he would disappear. When he finally pulled away he wouldn’t meet Jaehyun’s eyes, looking away from him entirely. Jaehyun knew what that meant. Jungwoo was crying, or at least on the verge of tears.

That did not settle well with Jaehyun. Throughout all these years, no matter how moody Jaehyun had been toward Jungwoo, he had never made him cry in front of him like this. He had seen Jungwoo cry before, but it wasn’t because of something he did. He also had no doubt that his words had gotten to Jungwoo before, but Jungwoo never shared that with him. He was never upset in front of Jaehyun because of something Jaehyun did.

Until now.

Jaehyun threaded his fingers through Jungwoo’s. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. But there’s something I want you to see.”

Jungwoo didn’t say anything, instead, he let Jaehyun lead him inside. The warm air hit him as they walked in, the blanket Jaehyun had discarded from earlier still left by the door. He didn’t pick it up. Instead, he walked them into the living room where the scrapbook lay left open on the coffee table.

Jaehyun let go of Jungwoo’s hand as he sat, not wanting to force Jungwoo to sit down with him. But Jungwoo didn’t sit at all.

Jaehyun held up the book for him to see. “You’ve probably never seen any of these, but my mom had been keeping pictures of us in here for ages.”

Jaehyun lightly smiled as he ran his hand over the pages. He stilled on a picture of them on bikes, they couldn’t have been older than seven or eight. Both of their faces were pink and sweat wet their hair, but their smiles were blinding.

This picture had been from the day Jungwoo moved next door. Warmth bloomed in Jaehyun’s chest.

“I’m so happy I met you that day Jungwoo. I’m so happy you moved next door and you asked me to ride bikes that day. I need you to know that.”

Jaehyun finally looked up at Jungwoo, punctuating the last sentence as he made eye contact with him. Jungwoo’s face was wet with tears, his eyebrow nit together as he looked down on Jaehyun. And yet he still stood.

Jaehyun continued, letting the words spill over his lips as they came to him. “I never meant to push you away, really. I thought it was what I wanted, for us to be our own people, independent. And while I still do want those things, that doesn’t mean I don’t want you in my life at all. I can’t do that. I’m so sorry it took me this long to figure that out, to let you know how much you mean to me.”

Jaehyun reached out for Jungwoo’s hand again, and as soon as their skin brushed Jungwoo’s eyes fluttered shut. “I’m so sorry I had to hurt you in the process.”

Jaehyun paused contemplating the last thing he wanted to say.

“I love you Jungwoo.” Jaehyun held his breath as Jungwoo’s face contorted. “And I know that’s not fair to you. I realize that. So, I’ll understand if you don’t want anything to do with me.”

A weak smile found its way on Jaehyun’s face even though Jungwoo couldn’t see it. Jaehyun let Jungwoo’s hand go once again as he felt Jungwoo start to pull away. His eyes fluttered open gently, focusing on the photo in Jaehyun’s hand.

“Can I keep that?”

When he made eye contact with Jaehyun there was desperation within them.

“Of course,” Jaehyun responded voice dangerously on the edge of breaking.

Jungwoo took the photo gently from Jaehyun’s hand, looking it over once more before holding it close to his heart.

“I need some time,” he said barely above a whisper. 

Jaehyun smiled, genuinely this time. Regardless of his ultimate decision, Jungwoo was going to take the time to make it for himself. And that was all Jaehyun truly ever wanted for Jungwoo.

“Okay,” Jaehyun breathed out. “That’s okay.”

When Jungwoo left he took the light and warmth from Jaehyun’s life with him. But no matter how dark or cold it gets the sunshine will always return. 

**Author's Note:**

> look okay, I PROMISE I've got happier fluffier things on the horizon I PROMISE. 
> 
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/kennaloveskpop?t=1548037588)  
[Twitter](https://twitter.com/kennaloveskpop?lang=en)


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